Disorganized attachment style is a pattern that forms in childhood and often shows up in adult relationships. Also called fearful-avoidant, this style is marked by a deep fear of getting close to others, but with a strong desire for connection. 

So, what causes this attachment style, and how can you spot the traits? How might it affect adult relationships, emotional health, and recovery from substance use or mental health struggles? 

Common Traits of Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized attachment often begins in childhood, when a caregiver is both loving and intimidating, often due to abuse, neglect, or unresponsive parenting.

When a child feels confused about whether their caregiver is safe or dangerous, they don’t know how to form a clear way of connecting. This confusion leads to what we call a disorganized attachment style.

People with disorganized attachment often show the following traits:

• Fear of closeness and fear of being alone – They want love but are afraid of it at the same time.
  
• Trouble trusting others – They may expect others to hurt or leave them.
  
• Mixed signals in relationships – They might pull someone close one moment, then push them away the next.
  
• Strong emotional reactions – Anger, anxiety, or sadness can feel overwhelming and hard to manage.
  
• Feeling unsafe or confused in relationships – They might not know what a healthy connection looks like.
  
• Low self-worth – They may feel unlovable or believe something is wrong with them.

This attachment style can also lead to problems later in life, like anxiety, depression, or using drugs or alcohol to numb feelings. 

How Disorganized Attachment Develops in Childhood

For a child to grow up emotionally healthy, they need a caregiver who is loving, sensitive, and dependable. When a baby cries, the caregiver should respond gently – feeding them, comforting them, or simply being there. This kind of care builds secure attachment, which helps children feel safe in the world.

But not all children get this kind of care.

Sometimes, caregivers are unpredictable, neglectful, or even frightening. A parent might comfort the child one moment and scare or ignore them the next. This sends mixed signals, and the child doesn’t know what to expect.

According to a study published in the Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment journal, most kids in difficult situations develop some kind of coping style. For example:

• Some kids become avoidant. They hide their feelings and stop asking for help because they’ve learned their parent won’t respond or might get angry.
  
• Others become anxious. They cry or cling a lot because they don’t know when their parent will pay attention. They try harder to stay close.

While these responses aren’t perfect, they are at least predictable strategies for dealing with stress.

But in disorganized attachment, the child doesn’t have any clear strategy at all.

Instead, their behavior is often confused or contradictory. They might:

• Want to run to their parent, but freeze in fear.
  
• Reach out and then pull away quickly.
  
• Seems angry for no reason.
  
• Act strange or disconnected, like staring into space or suddenly falling asleep during stressful moments.

Over time, some children with disorganized attachment develop rigid roles to try to manage their relationship with the parent:

• Some become controlling and harsh, such as bossing their parent around or acting mean.
  
• Others become like little parents themselves and try to take care of their caregiver emotionally.

Both behaviors are signs that the child had to adapt in extreme ways. Sadly, these patterns often lead to emotional struggles later in life, such as anxiety, depression, or trouble forming healthy relationships.

How Disorganized Attachment Can Impact Adult Relationships

Disorganized attachment starts in childhood, but its effects can continue into adulthood, especially in how someone handles close relationships.

In the same study on Personality Disorders, researchers have studied adults with disorganized attachment by looking at how they talk about past loss or trauma. One common tool they use is called the Adult Attachment Interview. In this interview, if someone talks about a painful experience, like the death of a loved one or abuse, but shows confusion, sudden silence, or mixed-up thoughts, they may be labeled as having an “Unresolved state of mind”. This means the trauma hasn’t been fully processed or understood.

People with disorganized attachment often carry unhealed emotional wounds from the past. These wounds can make adult relationships very difficult. For example, they may:

• Want closeness but also fear it – They might get scared when someone gets too close, even if they long for connection.
  
• Struggle with trust – They may expect others to hurt or abandon them, even if there’s no real threat.
  
• Send mixed signals – They may act loving one moment and distant or angry the next.
  
• Have trouble handling conflict – Fights or misunderstandings can trigger overwhelming fear, sadness, or anger.
  
• Feel confused about their emotions – They may not fully understand how they feel or why they react the way they do.

These patterns can lead to unstable or intense relationships, which often involve breakups, power struggles, or emotional ups and downs. Some people may even avoid relationships completely because they feel too unsafe or unsure.

Not everyone who had a tough childhood will struggle in relationships, but those with disorganized attachment often need extra support to form healthy, secure bonds. 

The Link to Mental Health and Substance Use

Here’s how disorganized attachment, often rooted in early trauma, can quietly shape a person’s mental health and increase the risk of turning to substances as a way to cope.

Mental Health Connection

Long-term studies found that infants classified as disorganized at 18 months showed higher dissociation symptoms in middle school, high school, and early adulthood at age 17. Disorganized attachment also predicted externalizing behavior (like aggression or acting out) at age 7, compared to other insecure attachment styles.¹

These findings suggest that unresolved trauma and inconsistent caregiving can interfere with emotional processing and identity development, increasing the risk for later mental health challenges.

Risk for Substance Abuse

A large meta-analysis of 34 longitudinal studies with over 56,000 people found that lower attachment security predicted later substance use. Lower security preceded increased substance problems more strongly than the reverse.²

These findings are echoed in other research, which shows that insecure and especially disorganized attachment styles were more common in individuals with substance use disorders (SUDs). In clinical groups, people with disorganized/unresolved attachment often used substances to cope with fear, trauma, and emotional dysregulation.³

How Trauma-Informed Care Can Help

If you or someone you care about shows signs of disorganized attachment, like fear of closeness, sudden emotional changes, or trouble trusting others. It can feel confusing or overwhelming. 

Trauma-informed care is a way of helping that understands how past trauma affects a person’s thoughts, emotions, and relationships. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with you?” trauma-informed care asks, “What happened to you?” This small shift makes a big difference.

Here’s how trauma-informed care can help:

• It builds safety and trust. People heal better when they feel safe, not judged.
  
• It helps you understand your patterns. You can learn why you react the way you do in relationships and stressful situations.
  
• It supports emotional regulation. With guidance, you can learn healthy ways to cope with fear, anger, or sadness.
  
• It encourages a secure connection. Over time, you can build stronger, more stable relationships with others and with yourself.

Trauma-informed care at Oceanrock Health and South Coast Counseling focuses on creating a safe, respectful space where people feel heard and supported. We understand that healing doesn’t happen overnight and that people need time, trust, and tools to cope.

With the right kind of care, healing is possible and so is lasting change.

Sources:

1. Bernard, K., Dozier, M., Bick, J., Lewis-Morrarty, E., Lindhiem, O., & Carlson, E. (2012). Enhancing Attachment Organization Among Maltreated Children: Results of a Randomized Clinical Trial. Child Development, 83(2), 623–636. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2011.01712.x
2. ‌Schindler, A., & Bröning, S. (2015). A Review on Attachment and Adolescent Substance Abuse: Empirical Evidence and Implications for Prevention and Treatment. Substance Abuse, 36(3), 304–313. https://doi.org/10.1080/08897077.2014.983586
3. ‌Schindler, A. (2019). Attachment and Substance Use Disorders—Theoretical Models, Empirical Evidence, and Implications for Treatment. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 10(727). https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2019.00727